Sunday, December 20, 2009

Why Amber Rose is a Bad Bitch

Amber Rose has become quite a controversial figure in popular media this year. She has been called a gold digger, whore, and irrelevant. I love her. Here's why...

First of all, who can rock a BLOND fade and still look sexy. Sisqo=fail. Dennis Rodman=fail. My mother (yes she tried)= A for effort but not quite a pass so I'll just say fail.

She has a body to DIE for.

She always wears leggings and Jordans, which is a fashion FAIL but it reminds of black girls in Chicago.

But I think what is more important to address is why I don't dislike her. Amber is often bashed because she is bisexual and is a former stripper. No shock there, women that represent "deviant" (meaning legs closed until a man says it's ok for you to open them) sexualities are always bashed. Good old patriarchy at its finest. If you've read my post "Why Bad Bitches Love Strip Clubs" you already know my position on her career choice. And how can we demonize her because she ended up with a potentially queer, slightly insane, and VERY wealthy rapper? Sounds like she hit a LICK to me. We live in a culture that idolizes media figures for their beauty and wealth. She has both of those in the bag, which should address those that question "why she's famous". And let's not forget she's signed with Ford Models.

Amber Rose is a beautiful model who used to date a woman and just so happened to strip back in the day. But she's still a beautiful model. Give her her props. Thank you.

EXCLUSIVE! 5 Non-Negotiables to Get a Bad Bitch

I don't think it's a secret that Bad Bitches are very much sought after. Very similar to the fountain of youth, the 8th wonder of the world, heaven.... Everyone wants to get there! And now, I am about to reveal 5 things that must be honored in order to accomplish that goal.

DISCLAIMER: All Bad Bitches are different and of course people look for/need different things in relationships, partners, and people in general. But these non-negotiables will apply to the foundation of ANY healthy relationship and any real Bad Bitch (not one of those knock off "barbie" impostors) will honor these as such.

1. Before you can even think about approaching a bad Bitch you have to know yourself. Please don't take that lightly. You need to know who you are COMPREHENSIVELY (your qualities, your quirks, what you're looking for, goals, character, etc.) and willing and committed to being that person ONLY. Being a bad bitch is about being whole. We require the same from people that we closely interact with. A bad bitch is not likely to sacrifice her wholeness (yes I made that word up) in attempt to complete you. So sorry to all those in character, impostors, stunnas, cheaters. You already failed.

2. Before making any commitment, you have to do your research. If you meet a bad bitch and you want to give it a shot it is very important to get to know her. Not her hobbies or favorite color necessarily, but you should be looking for indications that her wants and needs match yours. IMPORTANT POINT about research... This "research" period is not only for you. During this time she should be learning the same things about you as well. This is especially true if you are looking for something casual. If you know you are only interested in a sexual relationship don't waste my time asking about my relationship status, etc. You're only objective should be finding out if I'm interested in the same thing, with you.

3. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Always be upfront. Bad Bitches keep it 100 and can spot a bullshitter from a mile away. Don't sugarcoat, beat around the bush, or lollygag. Be upfront because you'll always get the same in return. This is always easier said than done, but here are some tips. A Bad Bitch will leave you with no reason to lie. We understand the imperfection that comes with being human and accept the good with the bad. Also, sometimes its not what you say but HOW you say it. Remember that.

4. Respect. If you want to get with a Bad Bitch you have to accept the situation at hand. I'm a Bad Bitch. You must respect that for what it is at all times. I know my worth, don't try to make me think otherwise. Instead, prove yours, because I prove mine over and over again. I'm not your child, your mother, or your object. I'm your partner. Who I am is not up for discussion. We were individuals when we entered this relationship. Never forget that. If you do you might be in physical danger.

5. You have to read It's only appropriate. LOL

Thursday, December 3, 2009

That Thing Bad Bitches Do... How Bittersweet it is.

There is something to be said about bad bitches. See we have this way of always leaving a mark, changing the flow, making history. A bad bitch demands attention, and not in a "Look at me! Look at me!" way. There is something about us though, that makes it so that when we're around, people can tell. But it's a gift and a curse really.

Being in the presence, or even the shadow of a bad bitch is always a challenge, a dare, an ultimatum to come with everything you got. We go after the things we want with confidence, weak bitches (also known as strags) cower at the thought of it being that easy for us. But that won't stop them from trying... and this is where things get ironic:
It takes the mere thought of a bad bitch doing it to get weak bitches to even attempt it.

Sometimes they'll step it all the way up, other times will represent fails. But it'll work everytime. I call it the "scared straight" process.

But when the process backfires us bad bitches can sometimes end up hurt, betrayed, or left out in the cold (especially regarding matters of the heart). Sometimes it's hard being bad. And it's up to us to remember the mantra... "A bad bitch always wins. If not by merit, by default via the grace with which she handles defeat." So just when you think some strag has won, remember that it was only because of your existence in their world that they ever stood a chance.

Certified Bad Bitch: Charne!!!!!!

Hey everybody!!! Meet our second certified Bad Bitch, Charne a.k.a. Nae Nae!

Nae is one of my homegirls from high school and she's been dope from the start. If I had to describe her, I'd say fashionista meets around the way girl. And did I mention she has one of the dopest blogs besides this one??? Check her out on Out the Box Chicks!!!! She's always been in touch with the Bad Bitch in her.

Here's what Nae had to say about being a Bad Bitch.
What makes you a bad bitch?
I'm always cookin and cleanin and cleanin and cookin...seriously I'm educated, I have a job that pays my bills, I never been a follower in my life having your own identity is highly imperative and have you seen what I look like?! haha

How can you tell another bad bitch when you come across one?
A bad bitch carries herself with class and confidence...I know it when I see it.

What bad bitches inspired your badness?
My mother.

A bad bitch always... runs the show!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Fake Virginity... Worth It?

Something else that may shock people about me is that I am and AVID fan of plastic surgery. Well, not necessarily a fan, but I'm not against it like many people would assume I am because of my "feminist tendencies". I like the idea of being able to change the way I look at will, given that I can afford it. In my opinion it's not that much different than dieting for weight loss, changing the color of your hair, or getting a tattoo. But I think there is a fine line that should not be crossed.

Which brings me to the horrifying existence of hymen reconstruction, also known as hymenoplasty. Hymen reconstruction, as its title insinuates, is the reconstructing of the hymen, a thin membrane that protects the opening of the vagina. This can be done by sewing together a torn hymen or inserting a hymen implant. If you are already disturbed, you should be.

As always, I did a little research before sitting down to write this and here's what I found on a site called "Revirgination". It is a great summary of the reasons people pursue this procedure.

"The virginity of a woman is valued for religious, social, and even economic reasons. Hymen gets disrupted after the first intercourse or even after strenuous physical activity or tampon use. Anyway, you wouldn't want your boyfriend / future husband feel ashamed because your hymen no longer existed."

I'm going to just dig right into this one and expose it for the bullshit that it is. First of all the term virginity is almost always used in the wrong context. Has anyone ever met someone that engages in oral/anal sex only and still refers to them self as a virgin? Fail. You are a virgin if you have not chosen to have sex. So to clarify, a survivor of rape is indeed still a virgin because they did not CHOOSE to engage in sexual activity.

They make a good point that virginity is indeed valued for various reasons, especially religious ones. And I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but if you've already has sex, I think God knows about it and can't be fooled by a fake or restored hymen. Sorry.

But I don't think people are that naive. And this brings us to the stressed point of the website "You wouldn't want your boyfriend/future husband to feel ashamed because your hymen no longer existed". And we have reached the root of the problem. Get your vagina "fixed" to please your man and avoid embarrassing him. Male privilege at its finest. The most obvious hypocrisy found on the site is that they acknowledge that a woman's hymen can be disrupted after strenuous physical activity or tampon usage, but still refer to the hymen as a "representation of virginity". It's not. Fools. And to take this a step further, who needs their virginity validated and/or represented anyway? Why isn't "I'm a virgin" enough? And can someone please help me figure out how this works... do you lie to your partner about being a virgin and THEN get a hymenoplasty? Or do you make the decision to give him an authentic "virgin" experience by having the procedure? In the former case you should probably reevaluate your relationship with your potential sex partner if you feel the need to lie about your sexual history. In the latter case, is the pain and money worth it? Think about it. Your partner is going to tear through it anyway, potentially causing you ADDITIONAL pain and essentially wasting hundreds to thousands of dollars on something you only got to use once. Also it doesn't even tighten your vagina*** so it really is a one time deal for the "virginity experience". I don't know about you, but I'd much rather have those Marc Jacob boots!

The point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't alter your body for anyone's sake but your own. If your boyfriend/husband suggests bigger boobs (preferably willing to pay for them as well) and you think "Hey I guess an extra cup would be cool" then go right ahead! But not for the sake of avoiding his "embarrassment" or keeping up a lie that you probably shouldn't have told in the first place.

***If you are interested in tightening your vagina there are products that can do the trick, and for only 10 bucks! Or if you want to do it the old fashion way, a few caps of vinegar in your bath water will do fine. Your partner will appreciate it. But you didn't hear that from me...

Precious: Fat Shame in it's Prime

Fat politics have kinda become my thing recently. As a bad that just so happens to be fat, it has been interesting to think about the ways in which weight and body image intersect with other social issues and the experiences of discrimination/oppression that results.

And then, as if reading my mind, here comes Precious. For those of you who may have recently fallen under a rock (as I sometimes do. I haven't checked the YBF in a while) and don't know, Precious is a newly released movie based on the AWESOME novel Push by Sapphire. Precious, the main character of the story, is a 16 year old black girl dealing with motherhood, incest (her 2 children, one with Down syndrome, are by her father), illiteracy, and a physically and emotionally abusive mother. And as if all of this is not enough, she's fat. Although I haven't seen the movie yet (my school is in the stick so it's theatres weren't one of those selected to play the feature), I haven't been spared from attitudes about Precious, the person.

Instead of hearing about the plight and/or celebration of black girls or their struggles/resiliency, themes central to the story, I've heard only about how fat (and let's not forget ugly because of her dark skin) Precious is. She has become the representation of all things unattractive and unworthy. I've been subjected to every fat joke in the book at some point in my life, but the emergence of Precious made me realize that it was time to address the underlying meaning of fat hate rhetoric.

From what I've heard thus far Precious, and therefore myself by extension, is not worthy of companionship, love, a spot on the big screen, the right to call herself a bad bitch, or happiness. When people say things like "What's fucked up is that somebody out there is going to try to hit that now" or "Did they have to make her look like that?" it becomes very clear that the way we think about body image has become more than personal preference and self esteem. It has become a way to shame, devalue, dehumanize, and demonize people. It is very disturbing to insinuate that someone doesn't deserve to connect with another person, or that the person willing to establish that connection is wrong. It's just cruel. And in typical capitalist, I mean American procedure, we have created a multi billion dollar industry by shaming an entire group of people. The weight loss industry is the only one that surpasses porn. Think about this, Americans would rather support fat hate than sex! It's quite disgusting.

In an attempt to address this very serious issue, I posted this note to my facebook page and would like to share it with all you Bad Bitches and supporters, too. Enjoy.

Sesali Tackles Myths About Big Girls

Myth #1- I am always hungry/eating.
Quite simply put, this is NOT the case. I have an appetite that isn't any larger or smaller than any other person. In fact, sometimes I LOSE my appetite, like all other normal people. (SHOCKING right? lol) In fact I would like to acknowledge my sister on this point. She in fact IS always hungry, and weighs about 130 lbs soaking wet. (And I think I just gave her some extra booty with that statement). So when people make comments like, "It seems like you don't miss too many meals" or "You don't need any {insert food of choice}" not only is it ignorant and rude to make statements like that, it really is just a low blow rooted in stereotype and ignorance because that's rarely the case.

Myth #2- I have low self esteem.
While some big girls may have low self esteem (and for very good reasons considering we live in a society that tells them on a daily basis that they aint shit) there are some that don't (I know, SHOCKING). I have even met people that have taken it a step further to not only assume this but to imply that big girls that DON'T have low self esteem SHOULD. For example, all the people that tell me I have no right to think I'm a bad bitch. (Which I am lol)

Myth #3- I have uber high self esteem.
I have hang ups about my body and myself like every other person does. EVEN BEYONCE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD and we ALL know she PERFECT LOL!!! I think this assumption also makes people think that fat jokes that aren't directed towards me are therefore not offensive. They are, because essentially I understand that I am a part of that group. Which leads me to my next myth.

Myth #4- It's ok to call me "Big Ses" or anything else with BIG in front of it
FIRST AND FOREMOST you shouldn't call people anything other than their name or what they were introduced as without their permission. Also, I don't go around calling people "Lame Larry" or "Dirty Darius" (well except for my friend Darius but only because he calls me Smelly Sesali LOL) but you catch my drift. Just don't do it. Because it offends me, and NOT because I have low self esteem!( See Myth #2)

Myth #5-" You pretty for a big girl" is a compliment...
It's not. Nor is pretty for a dark skinned girl, etc. If I'm pretty just tell me that. No need for disclaimers. And that statement implies that big aren't usually pretty/attractive which, if I must say so myself, is once again NOT THE CASE. And statements like that are actually more offensive than complimentary or anything else.

Myth #6- No one is attracted to me
In DC this summer this guy (who was EXTRA wack and pesty and disrespectful) tried to talk to one of my friends, when she refused and we laughed he got embarrassed and singled me out for a verbal attack saying that I had no right to laugh because I "couldn't get a man if i wanted to". Well, I can get a man (and a woman), I've had several. In fact, unlike many of my skinny friends, I've never even been technically cheated on, and until last year was in an 8 year relationship, not many people can say they've done that. Especially when the divorce rate is 50% in our country.

Myth #7- Being attracted to me is doing me a favor.
A perfect example is men who feel that they have to announce at every opportunity how much just LOVE big girls as if they are doing some type of charity work that not many other people are willing to do. I hate to get all Beyonce-ish but "YOU GOT ME TWISTED. You must not know bout me"... you know the rest. Enough said. If you need more clarification see Myth #6. Or in another more disrespectful example, I was reading an article in an anthology about sexual assault and one "fat" blogger described her experiences. One comment she received said "You should feel lucky that someone found you fuckable"...

Myth #8- I am loud and aggressive. (thanks Aris lol)
Well actually I AM loud and aggressive lmao. BUT not because I'm big, I'm loud because my hearing isn't the best and I grew up around other black girls and women who expressed themselves... well, loudly lol. And not ALL big girls are loud and aggressive. My other sister is probably one of the most reserved and quiet people you will ever meet and we wear the same size.

Myth #9-I am invincible.
Not too long ago, I was sexually assaulted. Of course the person that did it denied it and began discussing my "lie" with other people. His friends supported him with the argument that he could not have possibly done anything to me against my will because "look how big she is"...
Well I get afraid and vulnerable like everyone else (as I was that night) and I am not immune to random and/or premeditated acts of violence/disrespect, like EVERY OTHER PERSON.

Myth #10- Losing weight is/should be my only priority in life.
Can't count how many times I've been told to "go on a diet" or workout from both friends and foes. And honestly, I have to ask. Has anyone ever thought that maybe I was genuinely satisfied with the way I looked and didn't want to change?? I am an advocate for health and well being, but then, who has seen a copy of my medical records?? Well let me tell you a little secret, I AM HEALTHY. (I know, SHOCKED again) In fact healthier than most, naturally as I age weight will have a different affect on my body and my health can subsequently decline or improve, but as it stands today I'm healthy. But even if I wasn't the decision to alter my body is ultimately mine and mine only and when I ask for outside opinions is when they are welcome!

I said all of this to say that I am a HUMAN BEING like everyone else. I look for love (sometimes in the wrong places lol) and happiness, I am not perfect but I am not so flawed that I do not deserve those things. I like to be treated with respect and just want to live comfortably like everyone else.

If you want to continue this convo feel free to comment and if you are interested in more info about "fat" politics you should check out