For me personally, one of the hardest parts of being bad is being able to acknowledge and confront my shortcomings and weak points. I realized that owning this blog makes it especially important to be able to do this because I can't emphasize enough that being bad has nothing to do with being perfect, or even trying to be. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm not the baddest. I'm far from it. So here is my list.
#1 It is sooo hard for me to sit with uncomfortable feelings. That has led me to be for the most part unemotional and borderline insensitive. Truth is that theory and practice sometimes conflict and when my personal ideologies conflict with how I feel, I find my emotions and the emotions of others, unjustifiable. I didn't realize this until I observed that on the rare occasions when I hurt I keep it to myself and when I cry I do so alone. My friends have been trying to tell me this for a while but...
#2 I don't receive negative feedback well. To be honest, I don't receive positive feedback well either. I might say I do, and it might seem like I do, but I don't. It makes me uncomfortable and because of #1 its easier for me to just dismiss it.
#3 Despite all of my experiences, good and bad, I still maintain and irresistible and inexplainable attraction to the wrong men. This one scares me to death because even the smallest fusion of two very intricately designed lives is potentially catastrophic, or possibly perfect. And it can change the course of history. It's dangerous.
#4 Self discipline... what is that?
#5 This one is very important because it took me 30 minutes to even decide whether or not it should go on the list. I realized that the fact that I needed to have a debate about it meant it did. I could SERIOUSLY use a nice, heaping dose of humility. My best friend has been trying to tell me this for years. And to be honest, I'm terrified of who or what is going to deliver it to me.
#6 A nasty habit I've developed is neglecting the fact that I was not always as confident as I am today. And doing so is a slap in the face to people who still find themselves debilitated by their own insecurities.
#7 It is so important to me that people "understand" me, but sometimes I have such a hard time "understanding" others. Furthermore, I'm grappling with the idea that the concept of "understanding" someone is rarely attainable in the first place.
#8 I can admit it... Sometimes I need to shut the fuck up and LISTEN!
#9 I'm not as bad as I say I am.
#10 Finally, I'm actually badder than I say I am and I have to start owning that responsibility.
Thank you for listening. (#11 I need to express my gratitude more often.)