Wednesday, November 9, 2011

You have a choice...

...in how you go about the rest of your life. You have a choice in choosing life. You are running the show adn shit happens, but consider those opportunities to make better choices. That's all.

On another note, be looking out for "The Fluff", an ongoing series about what it means to be a fat bad bitch. I have been silent for way too long.

Peace,
Sesali B.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Quote of the Day

"Along with the idea of romantic love.... physical beauty. Probably the most destructive ideas in the history of human thought. Both originated in envy, thrived in insecurity, and ended in disillusion"-Toni Morrison

Seriously, besides stimulating your eyes and possibly your genitals, what has the concept of physical beauty done for you?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A Poem for Amy

How are we supposed to live
With the weight of the world
tied to our hearts?

When the wind comes
And does not relieve us from the heat
But destroys what we've built?

How are we supposed to live?

When love becomes
A torture chamber
And we're behind enemy lines

How?
How are we supposed to live
When the sound of our own voice
Scares us into silence?

And the idea of tomorrow is no better
Than an unknown phone call

How are we supposed to live
with clipped wings
And flight is no longer an option?

How are we supposed to live
With no air
And care comes in the form of asphyxia

How are we supposed to live?
Walking dead?
Being hunted?
Becoming prey?

How?
How are we supposed to live
when we were never meant to survive?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Revelation. Epiphany. Growth.

Today I the following truth found me...

I do not know.

But what happened after that is the amazing part...

I did not act. I did not react. I am not seeking. I am completely ok not knowing.

Growing.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Honesty vs. Truth

"Honesty don't mean shit if it aint the truth"
-@BadBitchSociety

I am a recovering fronter... I think I have to lie to kick it... I am as honest as they come, blunt, upfront, all of that. I am honest, but I do not always tell the truth.

Truth is how we feel, truth is our experiences, truth is what we know (and some of what we don't know). Truth IS. I was trying to act like it wasn't.

What I feel, what I've experienced, and what I know is not always what I give people. Why? Get ready for some truth: what I feel is defensiveness and a vague sense of inferiority, what I've experienced is dehumanizing rejection, and what I know is that I'm scarred. So I've been on this mission: Operation Invincible.

Superwoman died. I should have learned from her story, as I will HONESTLY remind any of the women in my life to do. But I did not, and I still have the audacity to think that I can deny parts of me, create others, and become THE Bad Bitch.

The TRUTH is I'm just A bad bitch. With a story, with kinks, with issues, who is vulnerable, who feels hurt, who is human.

I'm honest when I rationalize my life and the circumstances that surround it, as well as my relationships with others and myself. But the truth is I want love, I care deeply for more people than those who know, I'm petrified of rejection, and most importantly all of that is ok (even if I don't know it yet).

I am sharing this TRUTH with you because I have to start somewhere. I have to replace honesty with truth. I felt alone in my humanness and am hoping for just one person to read this and agree that truth>honesty.


"You aint gotta lie to kick it"

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

In the meantime... Just this morning....

Recently I've been looking to the Earth and nature for advice and wisdom on love and just living. Just this morning I asked myself: What the hell does nature really know about love? It does its thing on autopilot. It comes, it grows, it coexists, it dies, without emotion or baggage." And perhaps that is true. But I realized it was a foolish thought to think that all of this happens without love. Just this morning it dawned on me that we can look to the Earth and Universe as the perfect example of love. All that IS (BE), exists and lives (DO) with complete understanding and acceptance of everything else. The Earth offers a perfect example of harmony and interdependence. And yes there is love. The ocean loves so much that it sustains the entire Earth... The trees and vegetation love so much that they self sacrifice to feed and give breath to everything that needs air. The Sun and the Moon.... need I say more? Nothing IS without the other. We are the only ones that neglect the fact that we are ONE and reject the love that literally flows through us.

All this came to me just this morning, though, so what do I know?

Thank You....

...for bearing with me while I had, and still have a personal crisis. Thank you for allowing me some time to just be, and not write (if that's possible). Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to not have the words. Thank you for allowing some space to try to find them, I'm still looking for some of them. Thank you for appreciating my me time. I'm sure I'll be back up and running soon.

Thank you...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Ripped from my name....

I'm a writer. Writer's block, or any mental/emotional/physical state that stops my ability to express myself through writing, is my worst enemy. I wrote a poem about what its like to connect with the enemy... Ripped From My Name


Here
Who ripped me from my name?
Give it back.
Give it back to me
I can’t see my creator.
My divine light snuffed.
I represent an endless stream empty
All you’ll find here is a fixed broken piece.
Trying to build on this shaky foundation.
Lying in a moving bed,
Away from the journey,
Destroying destination.
Road to writer
blocked.

Hell
How did I end up here?
Fever temperatures, outbreaks.
Twisted health in illness.
My life has ended.
I just watch from down below,
The weight of nothing too much to bear.
Carried away is what I am;
Or maybe that’s what I was.
Without a fight I led us there,
Away from me
To it.

Hate
All I see are white sheets and blue lines
Inactive ink runs
Still thumbs intertwine with each other
Playing keep away.
This is a game right?
No quitting.
Brain shut off
Rolled over by the world
Stagnant
Complacent
Dead.

Help
Who ripped me from my name?

Heal
Give it back.

Hope
Give it back to me.


When I find myself unable to write, the fear that I'll never get that feeling back is always the most overwhelming. And then there's always that desperation and subsequent anxiety that accompany my internal pleas for my purpose to come back to me. There's guilt that I have allowed myself to drift astray. And of course there's hurt that can normally only leave me through writing, but remains trapped inside brewing. It gets real.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Someone asked me what I "expected" today...

I expect you to be passionate about me. You don't even have to love me right away. Just want me in your life, indefinitely, and be sure about it. Find me interesting and learn about me. Dedicate some time, as much as you can, to me. Respect me. Organize people around me. Help me heal, help me grow; or at least want to, that's a start.

I'll do the same for you.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Entitled: Loose Ends

Connect me
Draw a line
From point A to B
From you, him, her
to me.

Light me up
Guide me home
Give me life
Let me BE.

I crave chemistry
I want to be touched
I have to feel
I need to be real.

Connect me.

-----------------------------------------

Sometimes, not often, it helps me to be indirect. Don't judge. I've been losing my knack for socializing.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Letting Go.....

For those of you who can't tell, I'm on a journey. Its been beautiful. Creating happiness and peace for myself and learning to love has been amazing. Its like I have this big crush on myself. I'm smitten and I've been aching to know everything about myself. I'm totally courting/dating myself lol. Its been painful, its been hard, its been beautiful, and its been real. I've been learning and UNlearning at a rate I've never experienced. I've had the help of some really dope people and some really bad bitches. But I can't front. I've had to let some people/things go, too.

I think we hear people say "let it go" a lot. Although "it" in the term can CERTAINLY be accurate, I think that what people usually mean is let "he/she/them" go. But of course they don't say that. Erykah Badu tweeted that "we are in a world where LOYALTY has taken the place of LOVE." Aint that the truth? At the expense of our health, sanity, wholeness, peace, happiness, and LIVES we remain loyal to those who are bad for us. And as Erykah said, "it is that simple". I'm no exception. It took a commitment to myself, out of this new love, to get me to step away from the negativity that could not seem to find a welcome home in m cypher (circle/life). There are a lot of reasons we choose to stick around. Time, guilt, entitlement, obligation, etc. But at the end of the day, if the shit is bad for you, it's bad. And I don't mean bad because its hitting your pockets hard or taking too much of your time, or requiring you to face some unsettling truths (sometimes we need that). What I'm talking about is a toxin, an element of your life that is killing your spirit, blocking the path to peace, putting you in danger, denying your greatness, stopping your success, and/or draining the life from you.

Be honest with yourself about what the person/thing is doing to you. And if it's bad, it needs to become good, or GO. It's that simple. It doesn't matter that it/he/she was once good (they aren't NOW). It doesn't matter that they've been around for X amount of time (appreciate the good times, learn from it, move on/up. And if there were no good times, count it as a loss, learn from it, move on/up). It doesn't matter that you love them (do they love you? And you can love someone from afar). It doesn't matter that it will hurt them/you to leave (its hurting you now). It doesn't matter that you need them (you don't). You have to be able to overlook these things and see YOURSELF, your better SELF. And in that way, it is not only NECESSARY to let go, but its SO liberating. You change your energy, you change your life.

So whether it's an abusive partner, a negative friend, negative thinking, a draining job, a terrible habit, a discouraging family member, or whatever. Get up, get your shit, and leave. Let it go. And once you accomplish it once and reap the benefits, it makes it that much easier to clear out everything else in the way, too. I did.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011

What I DO know (subject to change. It be like that)

You may have noticed that the content of this blog has become much more personal as late. Well, me has become my latest project, so I guess it just be like that. There are alot of things I go back and forth with regarding whether I should post it or not. I decided to post this one. For one of my best friends has been doing them quite regularly on her blog, always an interesting read. Also, I think it is important to "know" these things about myself and I hope you indulge in a list of your own.

So here's what I know:

1. I love reading. I was just saying that I took my being on punishment days for granted because I only wish I was able to get that much reading done these days.

2. I love the way I look naked... much more than I appreciate the way I look in any outfit. I've been trained all my life to hide from what I see when I shed my clothes. It took alot of learning, and even more UNlearning, but now all I see when I'm naked is a body, one variation of the billions of bodies on the earth, my body. How cool is that?

3. I'm not a big cryer. I would like to be. It has excellent cleansing and healing powers, but I find it really hard.

4. After 23 years I finally know that I spend alot of energy trying to get other people to realize that I'm a human being just like them. I don't plan on stopping. Perhaps changing tactics though. You feel that?

5. I love sweets.

6. I love the way cold air feels hitting my skin. (For short periods of time of course. The Chicago hawk takes it a bit too far) But I like walking through the freezer isle in the grocery store, I like to sit my skin right in front of the air conditioner, etc.

7. I've been writing creatively and/or self expression since at least 4th grade. (That's as far back as I can remember.)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Certified Bad Bitch: Jessica Lauren (I really love that combo. It reminds me of a superSHEro/porn star/clothing brand)



Jessica is the yin to my yang. She has beautiful energy, like really beautiful. energy. Enough said.

Jessica on why she's a bad bitch...

"Your only identity is I AM undefined and infinite"- Deepak Chopra

But within this spectrum of "who I am", I can identify with "bad bitchness" because even through

hurt
pain
fear
living
victimhood
survivorhood

I can be

modest
humble
friend to several other bad bitches
a lover
a creator
divine
a dedicated badu and amel fan,
and HERE.

In addition, I think recognizing your "gift" and giving your gift to as many people as you can is being "bad".


So thats why Im "bad"……oh and Im a little fine too:)




Yep... that's my best friend.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Learning....

Anger is like a parasite. Here it is, eating away at you. Here you are trying to figure out why are never full or satisfied. It takes a look inside to finally figure out what is going on and get rd of it.

Anger is like cigarettes. When we use them frequently we always defend them (it relaxes me, etc). But them squares aint doin shit but killing us, as is anger.

Anger can, will, and is killing us. So in this way anger is like a deadly opponent. Kill or be killed.

And on that note:

Self- reflect. Heal thyself.

Behind (And in front, around) the Name...

"People are light and dark, good and bad, high and low."
-Sesali B.


I've been meaning to write this for a looong time. I've finally put pen to paper/words to screen to put it out here. Fairly soon after I started this blog I felt pressure to defend the title. I was getting positive feedback in the form of " I don't use the B- word but I love your blog" and "Your writing is good but I don't think the whole 'bad bitch' thing is gon stick". I want to take the time to finally explain how I came to this title "Bad Bitch Society" and why I personally identify with the term bad bitch.

It should be very obvious by now that this blog is about women. Furthermore, I like to think that this little piece of internet space is honest about women. Honest and open to the fact that women come from all different experiences and in all different forms, as is the nature of all beings.

We aint all regal and royal all the time. Shit, sometimes our lives create broken spirits, painful memories, defensive reactions, and jagged edges. I can personally attest to this. So if you flinch when you hear me say "bitch", I say good, because that means you FEEL me. We all just trying to complete our circles, some of us had to be bitches to get where we are, to live,to survive. Some of us had to stop being bitches to get it together. Either way, I personally like to be reminded that underneath all that dainty shit we (women) are forced to absorb and adhere to everyday there is still a human underneath, fucked up, but perfect as they are.

There was also another component to the title. I thought about all the queens I know that are more likely to hear themselves referred to as bitches as hoes than goddesses, beautiful, people; the ones that might need a reminder to celebrate themselves as they are. To me I felt like it was only right to give them a crown and use my language around this term to redefine it and as my girl would Jill would say, let them be elevated.

So yeah, that's what this blog, about women, is about. Redefining terms so even bitches get love. Ya'll have accepted the term as something negative. Reject (unlearn) and accept a new one.

For those of you who don't know, peep what I had in mind when I started.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

They tried to make me go to rehab. I said no, no, NO.

Amy Winehouse is my favorite artist. She is me, lyrically reflected.

Her content is loud, un "ladylike", imperfect, and brutally honest. It be like that sometime. I feel like the easiest way to draw the connection between she and I was to just share what I hear.

-I appreciate the earth. (Mr. Magic, Addicted)

-I have an irresistible attraction to the wrong men, too, Amy. (What It Is About Men, Just Friends, Tears Dry on Their On)

-Ah. The bittersweet taste of rejection. The badder you are the harder it is. But each time it gets easier to deal with (You Sent Me Flying).

-I love when women are honest about the pain/confusion/anger that from someone breaking your heart... And then proceed to tell them to take the shit they bought you and get the fuck out (Take the Box, Back to Black)

-This orgasm was about me, not about us. You weren't even there. It be like that Amy. (I Heard Love Is Blind)

-Yes I'm a woman and yes I like to fuck. Yes you broke my heart but. Yes I would like to continue this sexual relationship. No I'm not emotionally attached. Yes I'm sorry that you are.(my FAVORITE SONG, In My Bed)

-I know I seem fucked up but you don't know what I'm going through. "oooo I just need a friend... Its not just my pride. Its just til these tears have dried." (Rehab)

-I love Mr. Jones too Amy. (Me and Mr Jones)

-You're the reason I don't love these hoes. "Over futile odds and laughed at by the gods..." Man. I can't even go there right now. (Love Is a Losing Game, Wake Up Alone)

I could go on... The significance is that Amy represents the part of me that isn't all dope and enlightened and cool and smart. She represents the side of me that's insecure, broken, and irrational. But hey I never said I was perfect, who is? People are light and dark, good and bad, high and low. And if you ask me to go to rehab I'll tell you no... I just need a friend.

Quote of the Day

"Energy comes before form. Your energy creates your reality."


Master this. Complete your circle. Be WHOLE.

A Short Story of friends...

Once upon a time one bad bitch said to the other, on the topic of how they came to be best friends,
"I needed love, you loved. You needed understanding, I get it"
Love is the HIGHEST form of understanding. And so it all makes sense that these two bad bitches were actually the yin and the yang in one of its many different forms. Two in one, a complete circle.

The End (Beginning).

How I Listen to Music

Lame title I know, but don't worry this will be short. That Nicki Minaj post just made me wanna throw this out there.

I like rhythms and melodies. I love the way the sounds feel together. Every once in a while the lyrics to a song will speak directly to me. But in those cases its not even really about the music.

Recently I found myself getting caught up in liking/disliking music based on the artist. But I've sworn to let that go and get back to the music. Hence the reason I can still listen to certain Nicki Minaj joints, even though I think she, and most mainstream artists, are full of shit.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Quote of the Day

"I'm not a good American"
-Sesali B.

Seriously, I'm totally not down with all that white, patriarchal, Christian, capitalist shit.

Thoughts from an Ex- Nicki Minaj fan

If you've been following this blog since the beginning, you'll know that I used to be a huge Nicki Minaj fan. I love female rappers, she embraced the pleasurable aspect of sexuality, was openly bisexual (or so it seemed), she embraced her feminine side (beyond the realm of "pussy power"), and most importantly she seemed to speak directly to the girls in the hood. Lyrically, she was and still is THE SHIT. I appreciated Nicki Minaj. She even had big tits and a flat ass like me.

Oh how things change...

So why don't I indulge in Nicki Minaj's music these days? well for one, I don't like pop music. There are a couple of current Nicki Minaj joints I dig (Roman's Revenge, did it on em). But the teeny bob hip hop shit she's been doing as of late rarely hits any of my spots. Additionally, The chick can't sing! I have been known to indulge in some artists that can't sing (Rihanna and Ciara to name a couple), but at least they know how to make a hit I can move to! Nicki, as a non singer, blends right in with the rest of the artists that can't sing and that I don't listen to. So that's why I don't listen to much of her shit.

Why do I no longer consider myself a fan of her's? Well here it is, authenticity is very important to me. There is nothing authentic about Nicki Minaj. She got a fake ass, which is cool, but continues to tell us its real. She claimed to like women, then denied dating and sleeping with women, then claimed that we all misinterpreted what she said, all the while making suggestions about dating Cassie, another female non singer. And then, as with many other artists who became mainstream, she switched the style up on us with her gimic.

Everyone's, including Nicki's, defense of this is that by completely lacking authenticity she's "getting money". Well... white people enslaved Blacks in America to provide free labor in a multi billion dollar crop industry to "get money". Gang members shoot each other dead in the street over territory to "get money". The media objectifies black women so that companies and execs can "get money". None of this makes the shit ok.

But then again... this is America, so maybe it is ok. That'll be my shortened answer from now on. I'm not a Nicki Minaj fan because I'm not a good American...

This is the Nicki Minaj I liked.... (pic stolen from hiphopgalaxy.com)



I don't know who/what this is... (pic stolen from taletela.com)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I'm no one's mother.... But I'll learn, eventually

There has been alot of talk around me, mostly hypothetical, about motherhood. I guess that's what happens when you and all your friends reach adulthood. But anyway, because of all this talk I've been thinking about it too, in very abstract ways. I think that some women are naturally in touch with that side of them that is able to nurture, protect, provide, and just generally take care of. And you can see how that connection contributes to their overall person. They take care of things, they take care of people, they take care themselves sometimes, but even that selflessness is an attribute I've heard assigned to many mothers.

I'm not one of those women. For my birthday my mother agreed to buy my school books. She bought one, but didn't get around to buying another. Last night she wakes up to ask me if I ever got the other book. I tell her no and she freaks "WHY DIDN'T YOU REMIND ME??" Now I'm thinking, why the hell is she so riled up about my book? And then she says "you see how I think about you? It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm worried about a damn textbook!" She was right. And I was bewildered by what would possess her to do so.

I've always known that I am not a "mother". I think it's because I put so much faith in the agency of people. I just like to let people be who they are. I've always lived my life on a trial and error system with very little preparation or forethought. So last night I sat wondering what could have caused this? And like all things it came down to how other's mothered me.

Women are raised to be mothers. Some of us aren't though. I think that I can look back on my life and say that I was raised in an effort to create the most comfortable life for me. I wasn't raised to learn shit to pass down to anyone else. My sister just had my niece. She calls a family member for advice when she needs to. She didn't already know what to do. Yet here I am with peers that would have already known what to do.

The thing is, my sister is a great mom. And although I don't think she was raised a "mother" either, when the time came for her to be one, she learned, and did quite well. I said all that to say that I don't think I'm a selfish bitch because I have not yet adapted the knack for nurturing. I think that the "mothers" I know have a great set of traits that allow them to feel and see things that others can't. I have a different set of traits that prohibits me from seeing/feeling those things but experiencing something completely different. And when I have to be a mother, I will learn, but for right now, just this morning, I have made peace with the fact that I am no one's mother.

Don't Call it a Break

I know its been a while since I've posted. Do forgive me. I'm becoming more introverted and self reflective. So its not that I haven't had ideas that were worth putting here, it's just taking me longer than normal to process them.

In a nutshell, the things that make me a bad bitch are changing. Bear with me. Thank you.

Sesali B.