Thursday, January 20, 2011

I'm no one's mother.... But I'll learn, eventually

There has been alot of talk around me, mostly hypothetical, about motherhood. I guess that's what happens when you and all your friends reach adulthood. But anyway, because of all this talk I've been thinking about it too, in very abstract ways. I think that some women are naturally in touch with that side of them that is able to nurture, protect, provide, and just generally take care of. And you can see how that connection contributes to their overall person. They take care of things, they take care of people, they take care themselves sometimes, but even that selflessness is an attribute I've heard assigned to many mothers.

I'm not one of those women. For my birthday my mother agreed to buy my school books. She bought one, but didn't get around to buying another. Last night she wakes up to ask me if I ever got the other book. I tell her no and she freaks "WHY DIDN'T YOU REMIND ME??" Now I'm thinking, why the hell is she so riled up about my book? And then she says "you see how I think about you? It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm worried about a damn textbook!" She was right. And I was bewildered by what would possess her to do so.

I've always known that I am not a "mother". I think it's because I put so much faith in the agency of people. I just like to let people be who they are. I've always lived my life on a trial and error system with very little preparation or forethought. So last night I sat wondering what could have caused this? And like all things it came down to how other's mothered me.

Women are raised to be mothers. Some of us aren't though. I think that I can look back on my life and say that I was raised in an effort to create the most comfortable life for me. I wasn't raised to learn shit to pass down to anyone else. My sister just had my niece. She calls a family member for advice when she needs to. She didn't already know what to do. Yet here I am with peers that would have already known what to do.

The thing is, my sister is a great mom. And although I don't think she was raised a "mother" either, when the time came for her to be one, she learned, and did quite well. I said all that to say that I don't think I'm a selfish bitch because I have not yet adapted the knack for nurturing. I think that the "mothers" I know have a great set of traits that allow them to feel and see things that others can't. I have a different set of traits that prohibits me from seeing/feeling those things but experiencing something completely different. And when I have to be a mother, I will learn, but for right now, just this morning, I have made peace with the fact that I am no one's mother.

Don't Call it a Break

I know its been a while since I've posted. Do forgive me. I'm becoming more introverted and self reflective. So its not that I haven't had ideas that were worth putting here, it's just taking me longer than normal to process them.

In a nutshell, the things that make me a bad bitch are changing. Bear with me. Thank you.

Sesali B.