Friday, May 11, 2012

Lessons on Love from a Short Term Lover

I take risks with love [Lesson 1. Risks are necessary]. Some people might think this is reckless and is the reason I'm always "single" (The term "single" is used to reinforce the idea that we should all have committed partners all the time. Not true. And when we don't have them, we're "single" a.k.a. only a.k.a. alone. Not true. "Single" also suggests that in this state you are somehow available and looking for a committed relationship, or should be. Also not true.) And yes, none of my relationships have ended in marital bliss. But how many do?  Hell, how many marriages end in marital bliss? [Lesson 2. Sometimes the shit don't work out. And sometimes its your own fault. But that's ok.]

As the days go on, I'm more and more sure that I'm not in "the game" looking for something that lasts forever. In fact, when I enter relationships, I try to make it a point to not say forever. Instead I stay as long as it works, as long as we both want to be in it. [Lesson 3. Don't stay a day longer. You're doing yourself and your partner a disservice if you do.] And I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I'm not afraid of heartbreak anymore [Lesson 4. Don't live in fear of things you have no control over]. It comes, it lingers, it leaves. When it didn't leave, It was because I was holding on. I now also understand that part of getting to know someone (prior to and within a relationship) is potentially finding out they're crazy, immature, insensitive, cheap, dishonest, etc. [<-- That was Lesson 5. Lesson 6 is that this says something about THEM and has pretty little to do with you.] That's why I don't look back on all my past relationships and say "what the hell is wrong with me" anymore.

Compatibility is not all divine and astrological (although that's some of it. I tried to date a Virgo once. God what a train wreck), it is up to us to set boundaries and own our own shit. [Lesson 7. You entered the relationship as an individual. It should stay that way.] Relationships, however brief, have changed my life, but they haven't changed me, although they've helped.

And if the shit isn't working, isn't healthy, or doesn't feel right (not to be confused with feeling good because that's not a constant in life), I bounce. And trust me, bouncing comes easy to me. Ask my past lovers. I'm unashamed and I embrace it. And I will not apologize. [Lesson 8. Relationships are a constant test of your own capacity to stay true to self in order to share that with someone else.] Follow suit.

I have loved. I am not afraid to love [Lesson 9. Do NOT be afraid to love]. But I also understand that love, by itself, is never enough. [Lesson 10. I repeat. Love, by itself is never enough]. Relationships require hard work, compromise, understanding, communication on an EQUAL level from all parties. [Lesson 11. Love is not about power].

So yea, I love em and leave em. All of my brief (under a year)  relationships have been more fulfilling than the one long term (on and off for 8 years) relationship I had. Mainly because I love me and am the master(teacher) of my own destiny. And that pretty much sums it up.

In search of all things real [<--- Lesson 12!],

Sesali B.

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